Hello, lovely viewers of Joy’s blog! I’m Lucy, and I’m so very happy to be guest-posting on JoyfullJoyFood. Joy is one of my closest friends, and I feel so lucky to know such an inspiring, wacky, wonderful woman. Big love to you, Miss JoyfullJoy!

We thought it would be nice to do a post about how best to support a loved one who is suffering with an eating disorder. I think it can be very easy to forget about the friends and family who are there to help us through a mental health illness, and they have an incredibly important (and difficult!) job.

I’ve been asked many times (and I’m sure Joy has to) by friends/family members of someone with an eating disorder, how best to help them. It can be very difficult to know what to say, and how to support them through it (especially if you’ve not been through it yourself). It’s such a sensitive issue, and if you haven’t been there, it’s very unfamiliar territory. You are very conscious of saying or doing the wrong thing (I’ve been on this side of it as well!)

So, these are just few ideas of ways to support someone going through this incredibly difficult illness. As I’ve said before (and will say many times again!) – I’m not a medical professional in any way. I’m just someone who has suffered with anorexia, and is trying to help others purely based on my own experiences. I’m also ABSOLUTELY not trying to put everyone who suffers with disordered eating into one box, and say this is a “one size fits all” solution. Everyone is, obviously, completely different, and their recovery processes will be completely different. As I said, these are just some things that helped me, and hopefully can help others too.

Be Mindful Of The Language You Use

Now, this one definitely isn’t meant to make you feel paranoid! The last thing you want is to feel like you’re treading on eggshells around this person – and trust me, they won’t want you to feel that. I think it’s just useful to be aware of some potentially triggering language, that you might not necessarily think anything of. Be mindful of phrases such as “you’re perfect the way you are”. I know that comes from a heartfelt place and is a genuinely kind thing to say, but they may not be in a place to take it in the right way.

Obviously this one is hard to give advice on, but one phrase that I think universally is not good to say is “you look well!” I know, again, you mean it with nothing but kindness, but I have never ever in my life met someone with an eating disorder whose brain didn’t do this – “you look well” = “you look fat/like you’ve gained weight.” Of course, this isn’t what you’re trying to say! But it’s just the way a disordered-eating mind works.

It’s impossible to know for definite, and like I said everyone’s different. So if you’re not sure (and you’re close enough to the person) – just ask. They’ll be grateful for you being so thoughtful, and that you’re open to understanding.

Don’t Take It Personally

This is one I’ve been on both sides of, and it’s only since personally suffering with anorexia that I now understand. I grew up with a few close friends who suffered with eating disorders, who I really wanted to be supportive of (long before I had any eating issues myself). But I used to find it really hard when they said to me “I just feel so fat”, when it was quite clear that they were a smaller size than me. I used to think “oh my god, if they think they’re fat, they must think I’m huge!”

Now I’ve been on the other side of it, I can tell you sincerely, that’s not what they’re thinking! At least, I certainly never thought that. It was actually one of the reasons I used to find it hard to talk to friends about it. Because the small part of my rational brain that was working knew that I was a smaller size than them (because I was so underweight), and I didn’t want to make them feel bad or self-conscious. ALSO, I would actually be looking at my friends thinking “they’re so gorgeous, I wish I looked like them, healthy and happy”. I did NOT think they looked in any way fat!

That can be a very hard one, especially if you have your own insecurities (which, let’s face it, we all do). But trust me, it has nothing to do with you. The person will be far too wrapped up in their own body to be thinking anything negative about yours.

Accept what they’re saying – don’t forcefully tell them they’re wrong

I know that it can be so hard when you’re hearing a loved one tell you they feel fat (when they’re blatantly not), not to want to shout “No you’re not! How can you think that??” Or the classic phrase “Why can’t you just eat more? Food isn’t scary!”

Now I know that whenever anyone said this to me, it was only because they cared so much about me, and were so frustrated that they couldn’t just “magic” it better. But instead, when they say to you “I feel really fat today”, just say “Ok, I understand. It’s horrible feeling that way. You know I don’t think that’s true, but talk to me about it”. Just because it’s not accurate, it doesn’t mean it’s not true for them. And the feelings of anxiety and depression it produces are VERY real. Just listen with compassion, even if you can’t relate to what they’re saying, and let them feel whatever they’re feeling. Trust makes, it makes a huge difference to feel like you’re being listened to, and accepted.

Encourage them to talk (gently)

Now obviously, you need to pick your moments here! Only do this if it feels right in the moment (if you’re close friends, you’ll know). I think people were often quite surprised to know that I actually did want to try and talk about it, I just didn’t know how. I didn’t think anyone would take me seriously, or people would just say I was being ridiculous and make me feel stupid. I was always so grateful when a very close friend asked if I wanted to talk about what was going on, because I didn’t know how to start the conversation myself.  As I said before, just do it with compassion, patience and kindness.

Avoid Phrases Like “You Look Like A Skeleton!”

I know this seems VERY obvious, and you’re probably thinking “As if I would ever say that!” But you’d be surprised! I had so many people come up to me and say things like that! They probably didn’t fully realise what was going on, but “You look like a skeleton”, “What’s happened to you?”, “You look awful, so tired and pale and thin”, “You look like you’ve died”, were honestly things people used to say to me pretty regularly. Crazy, right?! So yea, even if you’re saying it in jest…I’d leave those ones out!! Not great for the old self-esteem.

If You’re Around During The Weight Restoration Process, Ask What They Would Like To Try And Eat

This one kind of applies more to mums and dads, or whoever it is that’s at home with the person trying to follow a weight restoration programme. (This obviously only applies if the person is at home, not in hospital).

One of the things I was most grateful for during this time was when my mum sat down with me and said “Ok Lucy, what would you like to try and eat? Tell me, whatever it is, and I’ll make it for you.” Now I know I was unbelievably lucky to have this support. But it does make such a difference to someone just taking the meal plan you’ve been given, follow it meticulously, and say “This is what you HAVE to eat, at THIS time”. I know this can happen, and whilst they’re only trying to help, it’s a long, difficult journey for that person to start eating properly again. Just talk to them, and ask them what they feel they can manage right now. And if they really struggle to eat anything that day, don’t force it. Just try again the next day – very slowly, you’ll get there.

I really hope this can be of some help! As I said, everyone is completely unique, and some of these ideas might not be appropriate. But if you know the person well, you’ll probably be able to look at some of these and think “that might be a good place to start.”

Also, you are AMAZING for trying to help this person! It’s so hard to have to watch someone you love suffer in this way, but the fact that you want to be there and support them is incredible, and they will be so grateful for you 😊

And this girl right here (the wonderful JoyfullJoy herself), was one of those precious people for me. I was living with her in London when my anorexia started, and I absolutely COULD NOT have got through it without her. She was so understanding, supportive, and held my hand the whole time. She will always be my biggest inspiration for eating disorder recovery.

And even if she ends up moving to Australia (how dare you leave me bitch), I know we’ll be holding each other’s hands for ever.

If you liked this post, and would like to check out my blog (where you’ll find lots of recipes and food/wellness related content), I’ll leave a link here: www.lucytelfer.com

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So much love,

Lucy xxx