I have always hated having BOOBS

I’m 12 years old

And I have just grown breasts

One of my friends mum’s

Threw her a womanhood party

She started her period the week before

and then her mum threw her a

‘Well done you’re a woman’ party

Like it’s anything to bloody celebrate

I hate them!

Before they were just two swollen nipples

Tiny and peachy and not there

And now they are

Hanging off my body

Like a threat

I hate them

My mum takes me to marks and Spencer’s

To get measured

I’m terrified

The woman comes out

With her tape measure

And reassuring smile

Tells me there are four different types

Of girl bras

Sporty

Romantic 

Sweet

And

Comfort

Like those are the only

Types of girl

You can be

I choose romantic

Because

Ever since I was 10

I’ve been praying to God

(Seriously, I did)

To bring me a boyfriend

And I write it in my diary

Every

Single 

Night 

So maybe if I get the romantic bra

Then I will have a boyfriend

But it just accentuates

The fact 

That I have these

These

These things hanging off my chest

I hate them

I don’t want to be a woman

I don’t like this

Everyone looks at you differently

And all the boys

Compare our chest sizes

And talk about them

And compare them

And I just wish I was flat chested

That I could cut them off

And just be

Just exist 

Without these sex bags

Hanging off my body

The boys have started playing a game

Where they come up

Behind us

And unhook our bras

With one touch

And without us knowing

So our swollen fun bags

Flop out 

And they laugh

I don’t want to be a girl

I want to be taken seriously

And with these hanging off my body

I want them gone.

So I shrunk my body.

And when I left the hospital each time and they came back.

I would shrink them again.

Ever since I first grew boobs, I hated them.

I come from a long lineage of large breasted women.

I hated their weight.

I hated that they instantly signal that I’m a woman.

I hate that they’re seen sexually.

I hate that they are a sexual object.

I hate that they bring attention to me.

Every women has them.

Of various different sizes.

Medically, they exist to feed children.

But they are much more than that.

A lack of them can make a woman feel less female.

Too much of them can become sexual and cause back pain.

I have never spoken to anyone who has said to me they hate having breasts.

I’m sure those women exist.

For the all of my adult life I have shrunk them.

I have shrunk my body.

I have hated these things that are a part of my natural body.

My value as a person is not dependent on how my body looks.

My value as a person is not dependent on the size of my breast or bum.

The unbelievable long term damage undereating and over exercising has on your body is not worth shrinking yourself.

My ability to absorb insulin, my organ function, my fertility, my bone density, my brain function, my energy levels, my mental health, my ability to modulate emotions, my capability to be HAPPY, human connection….

These are all valued SO MUCH MORE HIGHLY, than shrinking my female body.

Hello body.

Hello the body I was supposed to have.

I choose no longer to shrink you.

I choose no longer to harm you.

Hello boobs, that I’ve undereaten to keep small.

Hello bum, that I’ve overexercised to shrink.

I want you to nourish and grow.

I want you to work properly.

I accept you.

I value you highly.

Your size does not reflect who I am as a person.

You’re safe now.

Hello body.

Body positivity is an amazing movement.

And something I actively engage in.

But something I’ve been reading more about is BODY NEUTRALITY.

It’s a movement that is more achievable.

It’s valuing your breast size no more highly than how your kidney works.

Instead of seeking love with your body, it’s finding peace with it.

You may not be able to love every single part of your body, but you can choose not to punish it, not to shrink it, but accept it.

Very few people are able to wake up every morning and go,

‘Hello beautiful, you are a bloody STUNNER. Every single part of you is PERFECT!’

But we can choose to go,

‘I accept you. You do not define all of me.’

I had a conversation with a personal trainer I encountered last year.

He said to me that having a six pack and a fit body meant a lot to him so he wouldn’t eat carbs in the evening and he would train every day.

I said,

‘Isn’t being a good person, isn’t being able to love, more important than the way your body looks? I would much rather be happy than have a six pack.’

It should be about how the way your body WORKS, not how it looks.

#athleticsnotaesthetics

I don’t hate my boobs anymore.

I don’t love them either.

I accept them.

I accept that this is the way my body looks naturally.

When I feed it properly.

When I exercise for enjoyment not punishment.

Yes, my body has grown.

Yes my boobs have grown.

Yss, my bum has grown.

But with it, my brain has grown in function.

My energy has grown.

My happiness has grown.

I accept you body.

How can you start accepting your body today?

You don’t need to LOVE IT.

You can accept what your body CAN DO.

How your heart can love.

How you can connect with those you love.

What parts of you work really well?

Maybe it’s your hair.

Maybe it’s your legs.

Or your hands.

Or your sexy brain.

Or your amazing liver.

Your fantastic gut for digesting our food.

Your immunity for looking after you.

Take a step in accepting the body you have.

Much love,

Joy xx