They say a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

Scrap that!

A way to ANYONE’S HEART is through their stomach.

Think about how many ‘ceremonies’ or ‘rituals’ we have related to food.

Birthday parties and birthday cake.

Christmas dinner.

Thanksgiving dinner.

Easter and chocolate.

Going out for dinner with friends.

Going on a dinner date.

Homemade cooking.

Food is an expression of love.

A gesture of CARING for someone.

Now imagine you have a severe eating disorder.

Imagine that food is ABSOLUTELY terrifying for you.

Imagine that when a friend texts you asking what your favourite food is, you panic for three hours trying to figure out the lowest calorie food which doesn’t show that you are FAT and then text in a panic….. ‘STRAWBERRIES!’

Imagine that any NORMAL situation, any SOCIAL GATHERING is IMPOSSIBLE because you are scared SHITLESS of food.

For so many years I was in this position. Terrified of eating. Obsessively counting calories. Obsessively exercising. Terrified of eating in front of others. Checking calorie content in advance. Or starving myself for days after going out for dinner in restaurants.

I had chips for the first time in 8 YEARS when I was 22.

And CHIPS are like GOD’S VERY OWN EYELASHES!

As someone who is ‘recovered’ (I refer you back to how I don’t agree with this word)…

I want to send a message to anyone who is in recovery, trying to get better and trying to escape the demon of anorexia.

You. Will. Get. Through. This.

It does not take the LOVE of a good man to make you better (as a dietitian once told me – jeez louise!)

It takes ….. YOU.

Be brave.

And bravery takes that first bite of food.

Which may take you 3 hours admittedly. But take your time.

Bravery takes that first time you try a small cake. And again TAKE YOUR TIME.

Have someone there with you holding your hand if you cry.

It takes that first bite of your favourite food, you haven’t eaten in years.

Bravery is taking a tupperware of carefully measured food with you to a dinner party and eating it around others. You may not be eating what they are eating but you are EATING.

I’m not going to lie to you, and say it will go COMPLETELY away.

It does for some people. But not for everyone.

But you don’t have to listen to it.

You can tell it to ‘piss off!’

I didn’t see a future and that’s why I relapsed again and again. I just saw black.

But in that darkness of the night sky is STARS.

Find yourself a goal, a little glimmer of light to tug you forward.

It might be a dream holiday destination. Or a dream career. Or your mum. Or having the energy to walk to the shops by yourself.

It can be something so small but MEANINGFUL for you.

Food is LOVE.

And you need to learn to LOVE you.

My mum has always been my number one cheerleader.

She told the lead psychologist at the eating disorder clinic

‘I tell Joy to tell Anorexia to FUCK OFF, YOU BITCH!’

(Excuse my mum’s french)

She is quite literally MY HERO.

She also LOVES chocolate.

Cut her open and she bleeds chocolate.

(Don’t do that – It will make me very upset)

I thought up this recipe after a particularly awful meeting with my doctor.

I left in tears and walked to the nearest woods.

Now, this may sound like some bizarre, mundane retelling of a nursery rhyme but whilst walking in the forest, I saw a…..

discarded CARAMAC wrapper (see I told you)

The memory of eating caramac, with my mum in a youth hostel, on a family holiday, flashed into my mind.

It’s golden, biscuity sweetness melting onto my tongue and filling my tummy with love.

That memory and my mum dragged me out of the darkness.

I dedicate this porridge to MY MOTHER.

No porridge, or any words I can ever write can fully express how grateful I am for you.

I made this today for my mum’s breakfast.

So she was also the recipe lab rat – Cheers Mum.

I’ve recreated the flavour of Caramac using vegan white chocolate (I used real white chocolate for my mum – she’s fussy), a little bit of Biscoff Spread, Maca and Lucuma Powder (both have a berry sweet tartness and caramel flavour) and a little bit of cacao.

I recommend you only use plant based milk or milk (instead of adding any water) as you want this porridge to be really CREAMY and CARAMACCY.

I know usually I am all about the #nosugarlowsugar life in the morning (lol). But I’ll make an exception for you, Mum. This is a treat breakfast. That little bit of sweetness that you sometimes need in the morning (even me).

And you know what, bravery might even be trying this porridge.

What you’ll need:

• 45g oats (double quantities as you go if making for more than one person)
• Plant based milk or MILK of your choice (enough to cover the oats and a little more)
• 1 packet of (vegan) white chocolate buttons/ 6 cubes of white chocolate
• 1 tsp of biscoff
• 1 tsp of maca powder
• 1/2 tsp of lucuma powder
• 1/2 tsp of cacao (or cocoa) powder
• A pinch of salt
• Fruit of your choice to top.
• For extra protein – a handful of nuts (I recommend pecans or maybe some almond butter)

How to make it:

• Put oats into a pan or bowl.
• Put maca, cacao, lucuma and a pinch of salt in as well. Mix together.
• Top with the milk. Enough to cover the oats and a little more.
• If heating on the stove, heat on a low heat, stirring gently. As the porridge starts to thicken, add the biscoff spread. Keep stirring till at consistency that you desire.
• Heat for 2 mins. Stir and add biscoff spread. Heat for another 2 mins. Heat for 1 min more if you like your porridge THICK.
• THIS IS THE FUN BIT. Whilst the porridge is piping hot, stir in the white chocolate. Watching it melt. Sweet lord – it’s sexy!
• Top with fruit of your choice and nuts if you want some extra protein.
• Sit down with your caramac porridge, picture in your mind someone that fills with you JOY. Breathe that feeling and slowly enJOY your porridge.

Wishing BRAVERY and COURAGE to you all today,

Much love,

Joy xx