When I was 14 years old, I attended a musical theatre summer school.

I was also strongly in the grips of anorexia.

The teachers cottoned on quite quickly that something was wrong.

When you’re anorexic, you become quite deceptive.

But when everyone eats, or in my case, DOESN’T eat in the same room together, it’s quite obvious something was wrong. I couldn’t deceive them.

They told me that if I didn’t eat at least one thing for every meal, they wouldn’t let me continue with the course.

And I wouldn’t be able to perform the solo I had been given.

I remember sitting on the balcony of the hall we were rehearsing in, with a yoghurt in front of me as a tutor held my hand. I cried in fear for two hours trying to eat this one yoghurt.

I remember being 19 and moving to London without knowing anybody there. My whole life in boxes as I ascended up the stairs of my first flat. Fear flushing through me.

I remember standing behind the wings of my showcase performance in my final year of drama school. The audience full of agents and casting directors. The blood rushing to my head, my heartbeat pumping in my ears and my stomach frantic with butterflies.

I remember sitting in the empty flat of my first flat with a boyfriend. The relationship had ended, one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made. The boxes now in my stepdad’s car. Tears running down my face and fear begged me to stay.

I remember my worst panic attack at the end of last year. Unable to physically leave the house because of fear. Words unable to leave my mouth, stuttering through sobs as my mum asked my flatmate whether he needed to call an ambulance.

I strongly believe that nothing brilliant was ever born within the boundaries of your comfort zone.

If Picasso hadn’t dared to do something VERY different, we wouldn’t have the masterpieces we have today.

If academics and scientists hadn’t kept on pushing against archaic views, we would still believe the earth is FLAT.

If someone hadn’t bravely put Peanut Butter and Jam together, we wouldn’t have PEANUT BUTTER JELLY SANDWICHES.

OH WHAT A CRIME THAT WOULD BE!

THE CRIMIEST OF CRIMES!

A few year New Years ago, I set myself the task of doing things that FRIGHTENED me.

No it didn’t mean cutting off my own hand.

No it didn’t mean jumping off a cliff.

No it didn’t mean challenging a bear to fistycuffs at dawn.

I applied for a big monologue competition.

I went for the big acting role I wanted and got it.

I ended a relationship with someone who I loved so dearly as a friend.

I moved into a flat with new people I didn’t know.

I went to Paris by myself.

However,

Recently I realized that I was living within my safety limits.

As someone who suffers with anxiety, I find life a lot easier if I spend sections of time by myself. Or with people I already know quite well.

I spend a lot of evenings in my home or loved one’s homes. Not venturing into crowded events to keep my anxiety levels down.

But nothing brilliant was ever born within the limits of your comfort zone.

This weekend, unknowingly I pushed that boundary. 

Unknowingly? 

How can you unknowingly do that, Joy?

I was much more SOCIAL than I intended.

Part of me was like,

‘NO! CANCEL IT ALL! GO HOME AND WATCH STRANGER THINGS!’

But I didn’t.

I went out on a Friday night to a big event with lots of people.

And on Sunday, I broke free of my usual relaxing Sunday routine of Pilates and silence,

(Ah SILENCE, my old friend)

by going to an event with London Vegan Foodies with a room full of strangers.

And I had fun.

I really did.

There were zero anxiety repercussions. 

No anxiety attacks.

I had a really good time.

And I felt great on Monday.

In fact the best I had felt on a Monday in a LONG TIME.

And it got me reflecting about pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone.

And how often in my life I had faced fear, pushed outside of my comfort zone and AMAZING things had come of it.

When I was recovering from my most significant relapse of anorexia at 19, my recovery worker started setting me challenges.

And they were terrifying at first.

It was conquering my fear foods.

Bread.

Potatoes.

Chips.

Burgers.

Pasta.

Red meat.

Cake.

With my support worker holding my hand, I got through my fear foods.

Now I will be honest and say that I still kept a lot of those foods off limits for many years.

And didn’t touch them after I had tackled them once.

And it was until I pushed through my COMFORT ZONE and said 

‘I’m not in control of how much I weigh.

I’m not in control of when my body is hungry’,

that I truly broke free of restrictive eating.

And that didn’t happen till last year.

That I finally let go of the reigns of my eating disorder.

If I had not taken those RISKS,

Battled my fears,

Let go of control,

Not only would my life have been dramatically cut short,

But there would have been little JOY in it.

I would have barely been JOY.

Only by pushing through the boundaries of my comfort zone…..

Did I break free from a 12 year battle with eating disorders.

It doesn’t have to take that long.

It can take the bravery to let go of the strict rules you set yourself.

To loosen the grip on your control of calories.

To let go of the perceived idea of what your body should look like.

Pushing through the boundaries of your comfort zone isn’t just tied to eating disorders and mental illness.

It applies to EVERYBODY.

In order to grow as a person, we need to push through our comfort zone.

Be within the growth mindset, and do things that challenge us.

Push the boundaries of ourselves.

What was the last thing that you did that pushed the boundaries of your comfort zone?

Is there something you’ve always wanted to do but been scared?

Have you not eaten cake or chips in years?

Is there an event you want to go to?

Or someone that you’ve fancied for a while and haven’t mustered up the guts to ask out?

Is there a trip you want to book?

Or even something smaller like making a new friend?

Or speaking up at work?

What can you do this week….

This month…

This year….

To push the boundaries of your comfort zone?

I think we forget as humans that we are so much more resilient than we could imagine.

How have we evolved up until this point?

By facing fear…

By taking a step into the darkness…

I challenge you this week to do something DIFFERENT.

To shake up your routine.

Do something you’ve been putting off.

Do something that scares you.

Much love,

Joy

xx