This week I had pizza two days in a row.

Delicious, oozing, EUPHORIC, mouth watering pizza.

I love pizza.

I love Italian food.

I love the Italian culture of sharing food.

‘Mangiare per vivere e non vivere per mangiare’ which means…

LIVE to EAT, don’t EAT to LIVE.

Pizza is a food that makes me happy.

It fills me full of happy hormones.

And I shared it with two people I love very dearly. Who also make me happy.

I also had cake two days in a row.

And OH MY GOSH was it good cake!

Vegan dark chocolate and salted caramel cake. 

I savoured each bite.

And it was DIVINE!

I was so thankful that somebody took the time to make it for me.

Remembering what flavours I liked and putting in the effort to make something special.

I shared it with other people that I love.

When I need a little bit of soothing, I had a hot chocolate. 

In fact I had 4 hot chocolates this week.

Why is this important?

Surely it’s counteractive to blog about HEALTH AND FOOD if I’m putting ‘naughty foods’ into my body?

Isn’t this JUNK FOOD?

Isn’t this the BAD STUFF?

Aren’t I a HYPOCRITE for talking about low sugar when I’ve had dessert and sweet drinks?

In this HEALTH, WEIGHT and APPEARANCE obsessed world, how and WHY would I eat pizza and cake two days in a row?

This is something I usually hurriedly and quietly tell friends and lovers after I’ve known them for a little bit.

It’s something that I HIDE and turn into a joke when revealing it.

It is the past that sits so quietly in the back catalogue of my social media.

I am a recovered… anorexic.

This was ME.

Recovery is a funny word.

I don’t see the body that everyone else sees.

I have habitually ingrained body checking routines.

I keep my weight at a ‘safe’ weight.

HOWEVER…. I am HEALTHY.

I don’t starve myself.

I eat until I’m full.

I eat every day. Regularly throughout the day to maintain my energy and also because I LOVE IT!

I love food.

Good lord – do I LOVE food!

And I didn’t used to.

I was terrified of it.

There were so many foods that were OFF LIMITS or NAUGHTY or SCARY.

Chips. Pizza. Burgers. Cake. Sandwiches. Potatoes. Red meat. Cheese. Chocolate. Bread. Cappuccinos. Hot chocolates. Even mangos and bananas. You name it!

Measuring out my food obsessively.

Calorie counting every single sip of tea.

Every piece of chewing gum.

Why am I telling you this now?

Yesterday this photo popped up on my Facebook.

‘This memory from 7 years ago’

And I realised…. SHIT…. that girl would NEVER have had pizza two days in a row.

She wouldn’t have had pizza at all.

She wouldn’t even BELIEVE you if you told her she’d eat pizza again.

She wouldn’t even BELIEVE she would be ALIVE at the age of 26.

I’ve done so much beating up of myself recently.

Why am I so ill right now when I’ve been so ill before?

Why when everyone else is achieving and succeeding am I stuck in the depths of depression and anxiety?

What’s the point of even trying?

Aren’t I just going to relapse with my mental health again?

I should just give up!!!

That photo reminded me of CHANGE.

Although I am struggling with depression and anxiety…. I am not STARVING myself.

I am not PUNISHING myself by not eating.

I am not PUNISHING myself with intense hunger pain and bruising myself with the pain of my bones sitting or sleeping and digging into the mattress.

This is why I should continue on the path to RECOVERY.

Recovery IS a funny word.

And I don’t think I’ll ever ‘recover’ from mental health.

Which may sound shocking.

But the reason I say that is because I will ACTIVELY maintain looking after my mental health.

I will CONTINUE to care for myself and put things in place to keep my self safe.

I will keep on LEARNING how to self love and look after myself.

I will carry on LOOKING OUT for triggers and potential relapses.

That’s why I think the word ‘RECOVERED’ is silly.

Because it suggests that you don’t have to TAKE CARE and be AWARE of yourself anymore.

Caitlin Moran puts it wisely in her open letter to ‘girls she meets on her book tours’

‘Pretend you are your own baby. You would never cut that baby, or starve it, or overfeed it until it cried in pain, or tell it it was worthless. Sometimes, girls have to be mothers to themselves. Your body wants to live – that’s all and everything it was born to do. Let it do that, in the safety you provide it. Protect it. That is your biggest job. To protect your skin, and heart.’

Self care also includes eating PIZZA with a friend.

It includes eating a slice of CAKE that someone carefully made for you.

And not starving yourself the next day.

It includes drinking a HOT CHOCOLATE when you feel sad, lonely or panicky and need extra comfort.

That is why I ate pizza two days in a row.

And that is why you should too.

‘Comparison is the thief of joy’ Theodore Roosevelt said.

So stop COMPARING your life, your weight and your journey to other people.

Continue to CARE for yourself like you would a SMALL CHILD.

Start learning to LOVE yourself

Bite by bite

Day by day

Minute by minute 

It will take tiny baby steps.

And it could start with the second day of Pizza.

Much love to you all,

Joy xxx