As the old musical addage goes….

IT’S HIP TO BE SQUARE!

BOY, I wish someone had told me that as a kid.

I spent so long trying to fit in.

I wish I could find photographic evidence of this spectacularly awful hair choice because……

when I was 12 years old, I got thick BLONDE highlights.

All the popular girls in my year had highlights.

And I had thick, curly, frizzy hair that never did what I wanted it to do.

So I begged my mum’s hairdresser for blonde highlights.

She said no. That it wouldn’t look good.

If only I had listened to her.

I went to another hairdresser. Got the highlights. And looked like a prat.

I then started straightening my hair.

Daily.

If you walked into my front living room, it smelt like burning hair.

Mmmmmmm… sweet sweet burning hair.

Did I automatically become one of the popular girls?

No.

Because I was weird.

I was different.

I was obsessed with learning. And behaving. Being a good girl.

I was extremely sensitive. With a silly sense of humour.

Did it REALLY matter that I wasn’t one of the popular girls?

HELL NO!

But little young Joy just wanted to be accepted and liked.

I spent my whole high school years trying to be someone I was not.

And then the same thing happened when I went to drama school.

I wanted to be the ‘cool’ girl.

I really wasn’t.

I was also conditioned by past bullying so thought everyone was out to get me.

What fun. What larks.

As an adult, it can be easy to let social anxiety overwhelm you.

To let that little voice in the back of your head say, ‘YOU’RE A WEIRDO’.

Often times, I have found myself avoiding social contact all together.

At least I know I’m weird, no-one else has to.

Even in COMPLETELY lovely situations, like the MissFits Running Club,

My brain was like ‘AVOID PEOPLE. THEY’LL KNOW YOUR WEIRD.’

I used to….sometimes still think… that if I’m not wearing make up people think I am quite obviously weird.

As soon as I put that mascara on, they know I’m not evil.

Yes. Yes. Warped logic..

When I was invited to house parties as a kid, I used to fake illness or fake my mum had grounded me to AVOID SOCIAL CONTACT.

Then as an adult, I would get so drunk, to numb social anxiety I would eventually have to leave.

All the fear of people thinking I was weird.

But you know what…. I am WEIRD.

I’m weird as HELL!

I’m an absolute NERD.

I absolutely love learning and random facts.

I have a mad sense of humour.

And being WEIRD is my FAVOURITE THING about myself.

So what is an effective way of dealing with social anxiety?

When those old unfriendly voices comes along telling you that everybody will hate you and you’re better off spending time by yourself, WHAT SHOULD YOU DO?

Now first things first, here’s what you shouldn’t do.

Use alcohol or drugs as a warm cozy security blanket to make the fear go away.

Loosening your tongue and lowering your inhibitions so you can be friendly and fun.

Although it is a short term solution. It is not a healthy one.

Lowering your guard and having your kind of fun should come from within.

Now let’s start with positive goals.

Positive self talk

Hype yourself up.

Speak to yourself like your own personal life coach.

I’m talking before. I’m talking during. I’m talking after.

Beforehand, keep calm and remind yourself of the things you like about yourself. Remind yourself that you have completely got this.

If you get overwhelmed during, take yourself for a breather. And for a real breather. Remind yourself that you are completely fine. And keep any of those negative voices at bay.

And afterwards is especially important to be your own personal life coach.

It’s easy to deconstruct conversations. Or buck out early because of those negative voices.

Keep calm, focus on the positive parts you’ve had. Don’t let any negativity deconstruct social time that you have enjoyed.

Take breathers

This one is really important for me.

And possibly my trade secret.

And I’m going to let you in on it.

I love socializing. I love having conversations with people.

But I also very much need time to recharge.

So in any social situation, I take myself away for breathers.

I go outside for a vape.

I go to the toilet for a little bit.

I always do this no matter the social situation.

It keeps me not overwhelmed.

And it means that I carry on enjoying myself.

I’m not ashamed I need breathers. I’m an ambivert, it’s what I do.

Bring a long a wing man/lady

This is a really handy one but not one you should RELY on.

Why do I say that?

Because it is important to push yourself and do social situations by yourself.

However, if you are feeling particularly anxious maybe start off by having someone with you.

A close friend who you can give one look to and they’ll know you need a breather. Or a little support.

It’s like having back up so you feel more relaxed to be yourself.

Set a time limit

Tell yourself you are going to leave at a certain time so you know there is an ending.

It also means that you’ll enjoy yourself and leave wanting more rather than getting overwhelmed.

This may seem rude or weird but actually having that time frame means that you can relax into the social situation knowing when you are going to leave.

LISTEN!

It is very easy when you have social anxiety to listen with two parts of yourself.

Yourself and your little inner demon.

Who deconstructs parts of the conversation and reminds you that you are SHIT AND EVERYBODY YOU HAVE EVER MET HATES YOU!

This is when mindfulness comes in handy.

To fully listen with your whole body without your brain taking you into the past or future or into the fiery pits of social anxiety hell.

To actually FULLY LISTEN in a conversation and FULLY ENGAGE.

I promise you it is much more enjoyable and the people you are talking to will appreciate a listening ear much more than a sweating, panicking one.

It is coming up to Summer which means lots more social engagements.

Remember, SOCIALIZING is supposed to be FUN.

Enjoy yourself, be kind to yourself and LISTEN with your whole body.

Friendships and human connections seriously benefit your mental health.

Move away from social isolation because there are BRILLIANT FACETS to you.

Everybody’s personality is different.

Find your tribe and THRIVE.

Much love to you all,

Joy

xxxx