To start this off positively…. let’s play a GAME SHOW.

How many times have I relapsed from ANOREXIA?

WOOOOOOO HIGHLY WARPED GAME SHOW WOOOOO!!!!

Is it ….

A) Never.

B) Once.

C) Three times because I was never really recovered.

Now what do you win if you get the correct answer?

You get the pleasure of being RIGHT.

And a month’s free stay in your own life.

I will also send positive vibes your way.

Are you ready for the correct answer?

…………

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…………

…………

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The correct answer is C – Three times because I was never really recovered.

WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Jesus Joy, why would you start a blog post about avoiding relapse in such a NEGATIVE WAY?!!!

Because I want to use my OWN experience of relapse to show you that it doesn’t have to happen.

You shouldn’t need to worry about it.

There is a WAY you can avoid relapse.

It is not easy.

But I can hopefully help you to figure out HOW.

The first time I relapsed was when I was 18 years old.

School had finished and I was supposed to be on my gap year.

I had no idea where my life was going. I felt lost.

So I took control, the only way I knew how.

I then relapsed again at 19 years old after being released from an eating disorder clinic.

Their aim had been for me to put weight back on.

But that is only ever a part of the problem.

My brain wasn’t recovered at all.

So as soon as I left the eating disorder clinic, I went downhill again.

My final relapse was in the summer break between my second and third year of drama school.

I had realized in second year that I needed to gain weight on my tiny frame to have the energy to act.

But then when I had it was overwhelming.

So during the end of second year, I quit carbs. I cut down on calories.

And exercised every single day.

And lost all the weight and more.

The only reason I relapsed each time is because I was never fully recovered.

I was still in control.

In control of the amount of calories I ate each day.

In control of my exercise routine.

In control of the size and shape of my body.

Disordered eating was still a MASSIVE PART of my life.

I was adamant to remain a size 4-6 under the guise of being recovered.

Any weight gained was immediately lost.

The only way to fully RECOVER is to actually RECOVER.

Well that’s bloody helpful.

However it is true.

You can’t recover on your own terms.

You can’t recover on anorexia/bulimia/orthorexia’s terms.

The only way to fully RECOVER is to LET GO OF CONTROL.

This is extremely hard, I know.

Take it from me….. I’m a massive control freak.

I don’t let people make me a cup of tea in case they make it wrong.

(LOL SO BRITISH)

What clicked in my brain to make me realize that I needed to let go of control?

Strict calorie control…?

Strict exercise regime..?

Realizing that I had wasted 10 years of my life devoted to anorexia.

That it had overridden long term relationships.

That it had come between friendships and family.

That I had held it higher than my career.

That I had no energy.

That my depression kept coming back because of it.

That I held it higher than my health.

I had spent over 10 years shrinking every aspect of my body and personality.

So how do you let go of control?

You start eating more.

Start it off slowly.

Adding snacks throughout the day along with your main meals.

Start increasing the size of your main meals.

Allow yourself to have ‘forbidden’ foods like ice cream, burger and pizza.

Go for exercise which is lower impact.

Go for exercise that makes your heart sing.

When body dysmorphia comes a-calling not so kindly tell it to PISS OFF.

If it’s easier, avoid sustained periods in front of a mirror.

Wear sassy clothing that makes you feel FABBBBBBB.

Focus on hobbies.

Chuck out small clothes.

Start practising self affirmations. Hug yourself in the morning, telling yourself that ‘I love you very much’.

Look in the mirror and say ‘You are brilliant. And you deserve everything in this world. You look amazing today.’.…. Or whatever works for you.

Seriously, the first time I did this I was like ‘EW NO!’ but it does really make a DIFFERENCE if you practise it every day. You actually start BELIEVING it. Because it is TRUE.

It was the words of a recovery worker who said to me,

‘Maybe you hate yourself…. Maybe you get depression…. Maybe your brain isn’t working… because you aren’t eating enough.’

I had to confront myself.

And it was tough.

It was really tough.

Nobody told me this in the eating disorder clinics.

Their aim was for me to put on weight.

So I could leave.

In and out of the system, then their hands were wiped clean.

It took ME to take the REIGNS of my own recovery.

And that is the only way you can RECOVER.

By deciding yourself to recover.

By fully engaging.

No-one else can do it for you.

It has to be YOU.

Recovery is a 100% possible.

I promise you.

It is hard.

But a life without eating disorders, is 100….nay 1000…. nay 1 million times better.

And longer lived.

Much love,

Joy xx