Yesterday, I found myself in tears over a childhood diary.

I’ve been doing a mass clear out of my childhood bedroom, before my mum and stepdad sell my childhood home and move to Yorkshire.

Imagine in your head a room you might find in Tidying up with Marie Kondo.

That’s my childhood bedroom.

I told my beautiful Australian best friend, Davey on Skype that I was going home to do this.

‘Oh that will be lovely, so many happy memories and nostalgia’

I laughed and said ‘No!’ He asked why. And I explained that there would be more tears than laughter.

The reason my childhood room is like a room found in ‘EXTREME HOARDERS’ is because there are reams of paperwork, memories and old things that I have not been able to look through or deal with for years.

And yesterday was the day to deal with them.

I’ve been going to therapy and working hard on my mental health, it seemed only appropriate to look through it whilst I’m in a healthier, recovering place.

As anticipated it was hard.

I had to give myself brain breaks including taking silly videos, dancing about and uploading a new instagram post.

I found some family photos and items. That was the lovely bit.

And hidden gems of vintage clothes I had forgotten about. Another lovely bit.

Then the tears came.

I found paper work from the two different eating disorder clinics I was in.

I found letters from concerned family members.

I found a beautiful letter from my best friend, Hatti updating me on the gossip I was missing in high school and sending me book and music recommendations for whilst I was in hospital (love you girl).

I also found my childhood diary.

This was the hardest thing to find.

I started writing it in when I was in year 5 of primary school.

Then throughout high school.

And what was so upsetting was reading from the voice of a little girl who was LOST and HURT.

Whose bullies pretended to be her friends.

Who fed her words like ‘ugly’, ‘disgusting’, ‘gay lord’ (seriously) and ‘no-one will ever love you’.

Unfortunately as a child, I didn’t have the self esteem to reject these statements and only absorbed them as TRUE.

Now it may seem like oversharing to share all this information with you.

But the recent WHY I AM sharing this with you, is because I want to firmly press into your minds that….

YOU ARE NOT YOUR PAST.

For so many of us, we carry our childhoods and past traumas like an adult backpack of torment.

Reflecting it into current interactions, friendships and relationships.

As children, we are sensitive. We absorb the world around us.

As an adult, we must learn that the negative things that happen or are told to us do not reflect on us and our abilities to be good and loved.

If an adult says to you ‘I think you are ugly’ – You can look at the statement, consider it and see it as an opinion that is not true.

If you get mugged in the street, it has happened, it’s a negative experience, but it does not reflect on you as a person. It didn’t happen to you because you are inherently bad.

We can now choose to love the hurt child or hurt younger selves from our past and move forward.

We are not defined by our past pain.

We are not defined by our past.

We are not defined by mental illness.

We were forged in the fire and choose to be free.

We can choose to live in that past, or live in the now.

Apart from good therapy, how can we go about applying this to our lives?

Reflecting on the statements that are told to us about ourselves.

Whether positive or negative.

For example, if a man on the street heckles ‘sexy bitch’, it’s a statement, you don’t have to over-analyse what it means about you as a person.

Or if a colleague says something about you and your work which is a negative statement, you can look at said statement and reflect on whether it’s true.

If a loved one is angry with us, it does not mean they will never be happy with us again. Arguments are healthy. Keep cross words away from your heart.

You can hold it outside yourself, you don’t need to absorb it.

Being aware of our own thoughts

It’s easy to regurgitate old deeply ingrained negative statements that have been fed to us or old negative thoughts.

Speaking from experience, it can cause you to lash out, pull away, isolate and over think.

But in every moment and interaction in which an old negative thought pattern emerges, we can again REFLECT and recover ourselves from said thought and decide whether it is true or helpful.

Everyone has their own past

Absolutely EVERYBODY has their own past whether they choose to share it or not.

Nobody has had a peachy keen, perfect life every step of the way.

We need to remember that in interactions with each other.

To forgive. To give each other space. To be kind.

Support and try to understand each other with compassion.

You are not the only person with a cross to bear.

Move forward

Is there much more to say?

Move forward, learning from your past.

Moving forward with kindness, love, empathy and understanding

Be kind and loving to yourself.

Be kind and emphatic with others.

I have dyed my hair blonde recently.

Not in an erratic form of rebellion.

Or drastic attempt to pretend to be somebody else.

But in a movement of letting go of fear…

Letting go of self doubt….

Listening to my instinct…

And moving forwards.

Moving forward from the past and stepping into the now.

You are not your past.

You are right now.

You are this moment.

You are the person that has brought you to today.

Move forward bravely.

With love and compassion to others.

And importantly, towards yourself.

Much love,

Joy xx