Dating is SCARY.

One of my favourite books which involves a romance is ….Jane Eyre.

So well balanced. Rochester locks his mentally ill wife in the attic. He tries to marry Jane, lying to her the whole time. She leaves. Eventually she comes back to him and they marry, after he is blind and severely disabled. (This is a poor synopsis. It’s a fantastic book.)

‘Reader, I married him’

This isn’t going to start like Jane Eyre.

Sorry.

(Not Sorry)

This is going to start with…..

‘Do they think I’m crazy? Do they think I’m crazy? Do they think I’m crazy?’

I know this is something that goes through A LOT of people’s heads when they are dating somebody new.

You are putting yourself in a vulnerable position, opening up to a stranger (or not so stranger).

For ANYBODY, putting yourself in a possible position of rejection or suffering can be detrimental to your mental health.

Combine that with suffering with mental health issues and it can feel like a recipe for DISASTER.

It is not like you are going to go on a first date and say,

‘Hello my name is Joy. I suffer with depression and anxiety. I’m okay now, but sometimes I’m really not. Like REALLY NOT! ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE!’

Or when your date asks you for a JOLLY childhood memory you’re going to say,

‘Well , when I was in the eating disorder clinic…’

NEW EDIT: I’ve now edited this blog after a lovely lady, that I ghosted on Tinder (after having a severe panic attack and deleting the app and ignoring that Tinder had ever existed) commented on my post.

She is lovely and she has understood and also seen the funny side of the whole situation.

She’s also approved of me mentioning her.

However, I have ghosted people. And I know people have ghosted me in the past.

It isn’t fun. Neither is it a particularly adult way of dealing with a situation.

But, it is very difficult to tell people you are messaging on Tinder or briefly dating,

‘Sorry, my brain is attacking me and I’m not very well at the moment.’

Without worrying that much like Bertha Rochester, you will be locked in the attic.

So APOLOGIES to anyone I have ever ghosted on Tinder or in other circumstances.

I genuinely hope you are happy and doing well.

So how do we date when we have mental health issues?

Obviously, I do not have all the answers.

And this is what I try and present with this blog.

My perspective and understanding as someone who has been through a lot.

Making something positive of my past sufferings to help other people.

First step: YOU

I would say the first step is that if you are PRESENTLY suffering quite badly with mental health issues is to FOCUS ON YOU.

Don’t date just yet.

Your priority is YOU.

Focus on YOU.

I know a lot of the time it would make things easier if you had a significant other to give you hugs, hold you in the night and LEAVE YOU THE HELL ALONE WHEN YOU DON’T WANT ANYBODY NEAR YOU…

However hopefully your friends and family will be there as much as they can for you. And also learning to self soothe, although difficult, is very necessary if you suffer with mental health issues.

I also know depending on how badly you are presently suffering with mental health issues your libido can crash to a non existent rubble of dust.

So presently, that may also not be an issue that needs to be dealt with.

Taking your clothes off in front of another person and sharing yourself is vulnerable enough as it is. You need to feel strong enough in yourself.

Focus on LOVING you, CARING for you, BEING THERE for you before you start considering loving and caring for somebody else.

‘You wouldn’t accept clothes from a naked man’

You need to love yourself before you can love anybody else.

Step two: Date when you feel READY

Now there is never going to be a 100% better, just ‘more managed and dealing with everything’ better, so you will know when you’re ready to start dating somebody,

This may be one of my favourite phrases to say at the moment, but …. GO GENTLY WITH YOURSELF.

Don’t go on a tinder binge. You will burn out and get overwhelmed.

Or get terrified and never turn up (CASE AND POINT: ME!)

You don’t need to lay all of your cards on the table on day one.

If you’re anxious, tell them.

They’re probably anxious too for other or similar reasons.

If the date goes well and things go further, then you can start opening up to them.

Explaining that sometimes you need to be left alone, or can’t reply or that you need support.

But that does not need to happen on the first date, it comes with time.

Step three: Relationships

YOU. DO. NOT. NEED. TO. BE. PERFECT!

Now this is something that has only recently sunk into my head.

For years, I would bottle up everything I was feeling in my head so I wouldn’t bother anybody else (apart from my Mum, love you mum)

When it came to dating, apart from one person I have dated, I would present them the PERFECT MODEL of a what a girlfriend should be like.

Never telling them what was going on in my head, never telling them if something bothered me, constantly pleasing them in a fear that ANYTHING I did or said would give them a reason to leave me.

This. Is. Not. Healthy.

Vulnerability and the ability to open up to somebody is what relationships and friendships are built on.

Open up the conversation with them.

If you know you have abandonment issues, say to them, ‘Sometimes when you’re tired and you are cold with me, it makes me frightened you are going to break up with me’

If you know that you need space sometimes, tell them ‘I really like you but I need alone time otherwise I feel suffocated and overwhelmed’.

And I’m SURE, they will have stuff they need you to know and help them with too.

It is not selfish or needy to expect and receive care from somebody else when you care for them in return.

It is like a playground seesaw of love, care and understanding.

And again… GO GENTLY WITH YOURSELF.

Most of the time, you’re hopefully going to be dating someone who is nice, caring and understanding.

Sometimes, you will date someone who is not.

ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE!

Seriously, if you have FOCUSED on yourself and your needs FIRST, you will know full well that you deserve LOVE.

You don’t need to suffer. You need to be treated with the love, respect and care that you deserve.

Some people are GENUINELY not out there to intentionally hurt you and treat you like crap.

They just haven’t figured it out yet.

They don’t know how to love someone in return.

It is NOT always your responsibility to be the solution to this.

Sometimes, that person needs to figure it out by themselves.

Step four: SEX!

Now when it cums to sex (see what I did there) again ….. GO GENTLY WITH YOURSELF.

Take it slowly.

It doesn’t need to be a fear inducing thing.

Especially if you’ve suffered with eating disorders, low self esteem or warped body image, that moment can be terrifying.

Alcohol or drugs are NOT a great substitute to take any nerves away.

Taking your clothes off and sharing yourself with someone is vulnerable but remember it is also MARVELOUSLY JOYOUS!

Take it at your own pace when you are ready.

And remember, that at the end of play….. it is rather bloody BRILLIANT!

(maybe using bloody isn’t the right adjective when talking about sex)

Do not confuse casual sex with intimacy.

Sometimes when you suffer with mental health issues, you do not want to allow anybody into your life. So casual sex can be a great alternative.

No hearts can be broken. No-one can be let into your life in the off chance they will hurt you and leave.

You fulfill your needs and move on.

Often, the lines get blurred and people get hurt.

Tread carefully with this one. You know for yourself what is best for you. There is a time and a place for this and it doesn’t work for everybody.

And intimate time with yourself is also amazing. Never forget that.

I am still figuring out the dating game.

But the first step is always LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF.

Learning to care for yourself.

Knowing yourself better.

Because you deserve the love that you already give the rest of the world.

In my mind, Red Velvet reeks of ROMANCE

(Or chocolate, whatever)

The brilliantly bright red colour and sweet chocolatey flavour balanced out by the sharply sweet cream cheese frosting.

(Oh god, I’ve made myself drool)

And as you may know by now I’m all about ROMANCING YOURSELF.

I’ve had this oatmeal recipe up my sleeve for a while but this morning I MADE IT!

(Reader, I married him.. it…. OATMEAL… whatever)

Red velvet cake is typically made red with food colouring. But my oatmeal is naturally coloured with pureed beetroot.

NOW BEFORE YOU GO EWWWWW AND CLICK OFF….. all it adds is sweetness, colour, vitamin C and iron. I mean, what’s not to love?

I’ve also flavoured it with cacao (and Tribe’s Salted Chocolate Protein). Cacao naturally contains iron and magnesium which your body absorbs more easily when you pair it with a vitamin C packed food like BEETROOT.

I’ve made a cream cheese frosting as well with vegan cream cheese, soya yoghurt and Macacha Energy Protein. If you don’t have this protein or another vanilla flavoured protein, use maple syrup or coconut sugar to sweeten and flavour.

This is a perfect PRE DATE oatmeal. Even if it’s a date ROMANCING YOURSELF.

And to be fair, I just ate mine this morning for the SHEER JOY of it.

Red Velvet Oatmeal

What you’ll need:

• For the oats-
• 45g oats (double quantities as you go if making for more than one person)
• Plant based milk (enough to cover oats and a splash more)
• 1 tbsp of cacao
• (Optional) 1 tbsp of Chocolate Flavoured Protein Powder.
• A pinch of salt
• 1/2 cooked beetroot, pureed.
• For the cream cheese frosting-
• 1 tbsp of (vegan) cream cheese.
• 1 tbsp of (vegan) plain yoghurt.
• 1 tbsp of ‘sweetener’ – Vanilla Protein Powder, maple syrup or coconut sugar.
• Handful of mixed berries to top.

How to make it:

• Mix the cream cheese, plain yoghurt and ‘sweetner’ of choice in a bowl. Set to one side.
• Chop up half a cooked beetroot into smaller pieces (this will make it easier to blend). Using a blender or hand blender, puree with a splash of plant based milk.
• Put oats into a pan or bowl with the pureed beetroot, cacao powder, optional chocolate protein powder and a pinch of salt.
• Top with plant based milk. Put enough plant based milk to cover the oats and a little more.
• If heating on the stove, heat on a low heat, stirring gently. Keep stirring till at consistency that is PERFECT for you.
• If heating in microwave, heat for 2 mins. Stir. Heat for another 2 mins. Heat for 1 min more if you like your porridge THICK.
• Top with the ‘cream cheese frosting’, mixed berries and extra nuts for extra protein/good fats.
• Sit down with your oats, and remind yourself that you deserve LOVE from yourself and from others. EnJOY!

Go gently with yourself.

Care for yourself.

Learn to love yourself.

You deserve the love that you already give the rest of the world.

Much love,

Joy xx