And so I found myself in a bar.

I had finished my promo shift in Camden.

Willing the hours to roll by, tired of pinning a smile to my face.

Tired of drawing on my last energy to convince people I was okay.

I grabbed my backpack and my suitcase and rolled it out of the tiny office.

Speedwalking down the street the sun glaring in my eyes.

I took myself to a bar in between Camden and Kings Cross.

I bought a double gin and tonic.

And sat down and sipped on the tart refreshing bitterness of the drink.

I had four hours to kill before my eurostar to Paris.

Four hours to convince myself that

I did not hate myself,

I did not hate my life,

and I definitely did not hurt inside.

I felt the warm hot tears spring to my eyes. I staved them back and took another sip.

This was exciting.

This was brilliant.

I was being entirely and utterly brave.

Or stupid.

Shut up brain!

Last Summer, I found myself single.

(That sounds like I was walking through a park and lost my boyfriend- that’s not what happened)

Single and free like a twenty something year old pringle.

Stale and a little soggy.

And my birthday was coming up.

So what did I do?

On the encouragement of a kind friend (Thank you James), I bought myself a Eurostar ticket to Paris, a discounted hotel room and went to Paris for my birthday.

A few people thought I was insane.

Not gonna lie.

And it did seem ON PAPER like a terrible idea.

Where to go in the world as a freshly single twenty something on their birthday?

Ah yes – THE MOST ROMANTIC CITY ON EARTH!

But do you know what…..

ROMANCE THE SHIT OUT OF YOURSELF!

Where better to learn to love yourself…

To learn to enjoy your own company….

Than to spend 3 days by yourself…

In an unknown, beautiful city.

I had wanted to go there since I was a kid.

What was holding me back?

Now this isn’t going to be some romantic comedy…

In which the WHOLE time

I was laughing

And

Cycling round with a paper bag of baguettes in my basket,

Drinking champagne by the Senne,

And being seduced by some beautifully, mysterious dark, tall and handsome frenchman.

Let me tell you…. there were tears.

I did have to ring a friend asking ‘Why did I think this was a good idea?’

But you know what….

I had the BEST birthday of my entire life.

Not just because no-one else had to put up with my shit.

But because I could explore at exactly my own pace.

When I didn’t enjoy the hussle and bussle of the Louvre, I left.

I wandered round all the sights, all the galleries and all the food shops I wanted to visit. Taking my time and soaking everything in.

I spent 50 euros on a 3 course steak dinner by myself with half a bottle of nice red wine. Watching a musician play on a street corner.

I seduced MYSELF.

I could silently stroll down the streets soaking in all I could see.

When I arrived in my tiny little hotel room in Paris. I saw the double bed. I saw the balcony.

Took off all my clothes, stretched on the bed and thought…

‘This is BLISS!’

There is a difference between being LONELY or being ALONE.

This sounds like some mumbo jumbo phrase that some lady smelling of lavender in harem pants might tell you.

But it is true.

Female, male or non binary, if you are SINGLE it is easy to feel LONELY.

As a single woman in her twenty-somethings, it is very EASY to compare your life to others.

The longest relationship you will ever have is WITH YOU!

How utterly HORRIBLE is life going to be if you carry on HATING yourself?

If you cannot STAND your own company?

If every moment spent alone, you BEAT THE LITERAL CRAP out of yourself?

I used to spend every free moment I had by myself keeping myself INSANELY BUSY.

If I had a free weekend, I would work.

If I had a free moment, I would write an email.

If I had a free evening, I would down a few glasses of wine.

I would think of EVERY POSSIBLE DISTRACTION to keep myself from spending time alone.

Because I knew as soon as I was by myself, THE HATRED SESSION would commence.

This is a little like a jam session in a music studio. But there’s more screaming. And it ends in tears.

How am I slowly starting to learn to be ALONE rather than lonely?

By ROMANCING and SEDUCING the SHIT out of MYSELF!

Treat yourself like you would a SIGNIFICANT OTHER!

I’ve slowly taught myself ways of self soothing when things get too much (see previous post on how to hug yourself)

I’ve thrown myself into new or revived hobbies.

I’ve remembered how much I love cooking and writing. I’ve thrown myself into this and genuinely it is bringing me so much JOY. I’ve found myself coming back to life again.

I’ve engaged fully in my friendships and relationships with family.

I’ve seduced myself. Taking myself on solo dates, wanders round the countryside and sitting in coffee shops people watching.

I’ve slowly learning to stop talking to myself like TRASH.

If I was my own boyfriend/girlfriend/partner…

I would have dumped me YEARRRRSSSS ago for being so abusive.

But I’m working on this relationship. My relationship with me.

Let’s relationship COUNSEL this relationship with ourselves.

Brew yourself a cup of tea and sit down on the couch with yourself.

Let’s write down 5 things you LOVE about this relationship with yourself.

And 5 things that you DO NOT LOVE about this relationship with yourself.

Here’s mine –

LOVE –

1. I cook myself delicious meals and treat myself like a PRINCESS with food.
2. I’m good at knowing when I need quiet time with ME or need to be round OTHER people.
3. I take lovely showers with me. Sweet jesus, they are DIVINE!
4. I make myself laugh. What can I say? LOLLL
5. I love EXPLORING and learning NEW things about the WORLD and about MYSELF.

HATE –

1. I speak VERY HORRIBLY to myself. I don’t like myself. Yet.
2. I don’t always remember to feed myself or look after myself.
3. I very rarely buy myself gifts.
4. I don’t always let myself sleep.
5. I am much kinder to other people than myself.

I’m NOT GOING TO BREAK UP WITH ME!

You should NOT BREAK UP WITH YOU!

I’m gonna work on those things that I can CHANGE

and

ACCEPT those that I cannot.

I’m gonna fully EMBRACE those things that I love about this relationship with me.

I am full on SEDUCING myself.

And I encourage you TO DO THE SAME!

Learn to love yourself.

And in that same vein, I’ve done something a little CRAZY and a little BRAVE…..

I’ve put a deposit down on a trip.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Later this year I am going to be going to Thailand and then onto Australia for a few months.

‘But Joy, you haven’t got the money to do that!’

No I don’t! This is true.

But let me tell you something that I have learnt from my twenty something year relationship with MYSELF…..

I am BLOODY STUBBORN and single minded.

When I want something, I GO FOR IT!

One of my best friend’s had to move back to Australia. I miss him like crazy and I want to see him.

So I WILL go to AUSTRALIA.

I never got to go to Thailand as a teenager because my gap year was spent in an eating disorder clinic (#livingmybestlife)

So I WILL go to THAILAND.

So you know what, me and my girlfriend (that’s me) are gonna work our socks off and go on this trip.

It may seem crazy, but you know what, it’s the first time I’ve planned something for the future in a long time.

So today’s porridge is dedicated to Davey, my Australian best friend.

(Oh no- not another best friend)

This man is magic.

And I didn’t realize how truly magic he was until after I finished a 3 year acting degree with him.

Mad, I know!

We have seen each other through the worst and best of times.

Last year, when my depression got so bad, I wasn’t washing, I couldn’t leave the house and I could barely speak….

I stayed with him for a week and he never asked any more from me than being me.

Held me when I cried or stuttered or couldn’t speak.

The man is MAGIC! And I am going to see him in 6 months.

This is Coconut Lamington Oatmeal.

A lamington is an Australian cake coated in chocolate and dessicated coconut.

This is also SOMETIMES filled with a raspberry jam.

It’s a delicious Aussie treat and mine is NATURALLY LOW IN SUGAR (#livingmybestlife)

Coconut is amazing because it tastes so sweet but is naturally low in sugar and high in fibre.

I hope this dessert style oatmeal helps you in seducing yourselves at breakfast time.

Coconut Lamington Oats

What you’ll need:

• 45g oats (double quantities as you go if making for more than one person)
• Coconut milk (enough to cover the oats)
• 2 tbsp of coconut cream
• 1 tbsp of cacao/cocoa powder
• (Optional)1 tbsp of chocolate nut butter (I used Mindful Bites)
• A pinch of salt
• A handful of raspberries
• 1 tbsp of desiccated coconut

How to make it:

• Put oats into a pan or bowl.
• Top with the coconut milk and coconut cream. Enough to cover the oats and a little more.
• If heating on the stove, heat on a low heat, stirring gently. As it starts to thicken, add cacao/cocoa powder, chocolate nut butter and a pinch salt. Keep stirring till at consistency that is PERFECT for you.
• Heat for 2 mins. Add cacao/cocoa powder, chocolate nut butter and pinch of salt. Stir. Heat for another 2 mins. Heat for 1 min more if you like your porridge THICK.
• Top with raspberries and desiccated coconut.
• Sit down with your oats, taking your time, mindfully tasting the textures and flavours. This is a seduction moment for you. EnJOY and love yourself with these oats.

Why not take yourself on a little solo date this week?

Seduce yourself.

Be BRAVE in your love for yourself.

Much love to you all,

Joy xx