Hands up if you scroll through INSTAGRAM and FACEBOOK, comparing your life, your body and YOUR ACHIEVEMENTS with your peers and friends?

Hands up if you think you’re a FAILURE?

Hands up if you beat yourself up for not being in the PLACE you thought you’d be by this age?

I can put all of my HANDS up to this.

(I have 8 of them)

I constantly battle with SELF ACTUALIZATION.

This means the desire for self-fulfillment.

To achieve your dreams and desires and to be ACTUALIZED.

This is not mutually exclusive to being in your MID TWENTIES.

At any age, people are going …..

‘But I’m not married or in a relationship. And my peers are’

‘But my career isn’t where I thought it would be’

‘But I don’t have any children.’

‘But I’m not happy in my relationship.’

‘But I don’t want to live in this place anymore.’

‘But I haven’t travelled enough’

‘But my body isn’t as fit as others’

‘But I’m losing my hair/bald.’

‘But I’m still renting.’

‘But I’m ‘too old’ to be single.’

‘But my life is NOT WHAT I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE!’

I became a bit of a ‘HOT MESS’ about this. To phrase it humorously.

I found myself single ….

(whoopsy – I lost my boyfriend in a theme park maze – how did that happen?)

(That isn’t what happened – FYI)

Kicking the crap out of myself for being single and nowhere near reaching having kids by 30 ….

(I mean seriously what am I a Disney Princess?)

Comparing my love life with people I used to know or my friends who were happily in relationships….

(Bloody Christmas always brings in the new engagements and pregnancy news – am I right or am I right?)

Comparing where I was in my career to everybody else. Beating myself up for not being in the PLACE, I thought I’d be by this age…..

Berating myself for being in a DAY JOB, I did not want to be in…..

Hating myself for living in a 5 person house. Feeling like a student again

(I love my flatmates – so this was more a reflection on me to be honest)

Hating myself for being poor and not having earned enough money by age.

Despising myself for not having travelled enough.

And to top it all off, having a bout of SEVERE DEPRESSION, when I thought I was completely OVER ALL OF THAT CRAP!

Oh my gosh, it was SELF FLAGELLATION CITY in my BRAIN!

If I was to ask you to write down a list of ALL THE THINGS you’d done WRONG, or MESSED up, or FAILED in your life, you could probably quite (un)happily sit there and reel them off.

But what about your achievements?

The things you’ve done well or accomplished?

If your best friend was to come round, how would you talk to them?

Would you scream at them –

‘You’re single and dating every person you can meet on Tinder, you’ve never visited any part of Asia, your career isn’t where you thought it would be, you haven’t bought your first home and don’t get me started on your BLOODY CREDIT RATING!’

Would you even start to even THINK about your best friend like that?

So why would you talk to yourself like that?

Don’t YOU DESERVE the same LOVE and CARE?

I don’t like to think of it now as a ‘crisis’ but more an EVALUATION.

Am I happy in my present situation?

No.

What can I do to change and improve this?

It’s like having an annual review but instead of it being with your boss, at work in a cold, stuffy meeting room…

It’s you realizing that downing a bottle of wine and 5 cocktails then furiously shoving fried chicken into your mouth at 6am on a Saturday night, isn’t a healthy way of dealing with the fact that you are not happy.

It’s essentially Marie Kondo-ing your life.

What is sparking Joy for you?

Better to re-evaluate now to improve your life and not end up UTTERLY MISERABLE or very ILL.

I’m not saying you should now leave your partner, leave your job and move to Bali.

That, my friend, is ridiculous.

But are you happy right now?

And if you’re not – what is working for you? What can you improve or change?

Maybe write a list?

I started the year going I’m quitting drinking, I’m going to attempt to be vegan to feel better about myself and I’m gonna make some BEAUTIFUL PORRIDGE.

I knew SELF HATRED was not working for me anymore. So I’m trying to cut it out.

And I’m still reflecting on WHAT is WORKING for me and WHAT is NOT.

What can we ACTIVELY WORK on, IMPROVE or CHANGE?

And what do we just need to ACCEPT?

Quite obviously, I do not have it ALL FIGURED OUT.

I hope that it is something that connects with you as one of my blog readers.

That I am human and I want to figure it out with you.

So how can we start ACCEPTING who we are and where we are rather than where we THINK we SHOULD be?

You are YOU.

There is no other version of YOU.

You may have gone to the same high school/university as other people but your life and YOU are different.

You may be from the same city as other people, but YOU are different.

Your friends and peers may be doing things differently in relationships, career and life but they are THEM and you are YOU.

What things about yourself are brilliant? What have you accomplished that you are PROUD of?

Instead of reveling in what you HAVEN’T done or HAVEN’T achieved, what UNIQUE things can you celebrate?

If 14 year old YOU, was to meet you now, what 10 things would you tell them?

They can be personal qualities. Or crazy fun things. Or stuff that you have loved doing. Make sure you include a personal achievement.

Here are mine.

1)Even though it mean’t you missed a term of year 11, you left the ED clinic and completed all of your GCSEs and A Levels.

2) You finally went to Italy! You ate all the Italian food and swam in a crystal blue sea.

3) You went to drama school. And your top choice.

4) You performed on the Globe stage. It was crazy, insane, amazing!

5) You are kind and compassionate. You love being able to help people and be there for your friends and family.

6) You are silly and funny. You make people laugh and your weirdness is actually quite cool.

7) You’ve had a few long term relationships. You finally got a boyfriend! (like you always wished for in your diary- you gorgeous weirdo.) Admittedly, you are single but actually this is okay, 14 year old Joy. (Also FYI – Sex is AMAZZZINNGGG – don’t be afraid of it, little Joy)

8) You really love food now. You eat properly. You eat well. You eat in front of other people. You eat in restaurants. You eat burgers and pizza. And cake. In fact you once ate a double bacon cheeseburger with DONUTS for buns. The world didn’t end, you’re still YOU.

9) You’re an auntie. Your mum is happily married to your stepdad and you’ve inherited a whole new brilliant family to your already awesome one. You have a niece and she is funny and utterly GORGEOUS.

10) You’re alive! Oh my god – I know, right? Well done on that. You’ve carried on being brave and strong even though you are sensitive and vulnerable. These are good things because you are still here.

This took me a good hour to write and I did cry afterwards.

It’s a hard task – I can admit that!

But I looked at this list and was like ‘Jesus – I forgot all of this’

I was so busy thinking I’m a ‘mess’ and a ‘failure’ that I neglected to see what 14 year old me would be impressed by. Be proud of.

Put on your childlike glasses and have a GO!

I would so LOVE to see your ones if you feel happy to share them by commenting below.

Just remember, wherever you are in your life right now, is okay.

Remember the good things about you, what you have achieved and how you make people FEEL.

‘Comparison is the thief of JOY!’

Stop comparing yourself to others and COMPARE yourself to 14 year old YOU!

Much love,

Joy xx