Today I want to talk to you about

a CAUSE

and

a GIRL

very dear to my heart ❤️

(Warning: This is about to get SOPPY. Prepare your tissues/sick buckets if needed ❤️ )

Three years ago, I had my fourth and so far FINAL relapse with anorexia.

I exercised obsessively.

I ate as little as humanly possible.

All for the quest to be as SMALL and as SAFE as possible.

I was in CONTROL.

I was going into my final year of drama school, and in reality, this was the WORST time to be so ill.

So much PRESSURE was about to piled on and I was putting my own body under so much UNNECESSARY PRESSURE.

My best friend Lucy stood by me. She held my hand when I cried in the supermarket. And encouraged me to go back to my meal plan.

Eating porridge with me in the evening as a snack.

Then as the year progressed, I noticed Lucy getting thinner and thinner.

Her eating habits becoming more and more worrying.

I spoke to my boyfriend at the time as I was concerned and DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I remember the day, she told me, in our living room.

I hugged her and told her that I would be with her every step of the way.

Later on I panicked that I HAD GIVEN HER ANOREXIA.

That my ANOREXIA was contagious.

That I’d taught her bad habits and calorie counting and exercising and I had RUINED HER LIFE.

Which I acknowledge are all REALLY SHITTY thoughts.

My eating disorder had NOTHING to do with HER EATING DISORDER.

So I held her hand as she cried. And loved her as much as I physically could.

I am so PROUD of how far she has come.

She started her own blog called ‘Lucy’s Love of Food‘ regaining her love of food.

She gradually built up her courage, strength and confidence.

She started an MA in Musical Theatre at Guildford School of Acting.

We now make pancakes and eat ‘BIG FOOD’ together (self penned term by the beautiful Lucy)

We drink big MUGS of hot chocolate and bake cake together.

And she is the one who tells me I’m being an ‘ABSOLUTE TWIT’

when I call her up crying and saying

‘I’VE EATEN SO MUCH TODAY.

I’M A HORRIBLE PERSON.

MY LIFE IS MEANINGLESS!

PEOPLE WHO SAY THEY CAN’T EAT ICE CREAM IN WINTER ARE SO SILLY. IT’S IS LIKE SAYING THERE IS NOT ENOUGH AIR IN THE WORLD FOR ME TO BREATH’

(I have seriously said ALL of these things to her)

She is one of the LOVES of my life.

She is my soul sister.

What we both suffered through, brought us CLOSER together.

We can SUPPORT each other knowing FULLY what the other is going through

(CUE VOMITING FROM SOPPINESS)

One of the most important things about RECOVERY of any form, is having a great SUPPORT NETWORK.

Whether that be someone who has been through it.

Your parents.

Your friends.

You need people around you who challenge you.

And who LOVE you.

The third time I relapsed, I had to make the change.

This is really difficult to admit, but after three hospitalizations previously, I was refused support by the local eating disorder services.

I was told

‘I had been making up having an eating disorder.’ ‘That I had never been an AT RISK weight until that present moment. And that I LOVED FOOD!’

I wanted to scream at her

‘I DID LOVE FOOD AND THAT IS WHY I AM PUNISHING MYSELF. I LOVED IT SO MUCH THAT NOW I AM TERRIFIED OF IT’.

I used to look through food porn encouraging the hunger pains.

I used to bake large quantities of cakes and cookies watching my Mum and Brother eat them.

All because it SCARED me and I wanted to PUNISH myself.

When they turned me away, I felt hopeless.

I already saw NO FUTURE, and they had confirmed that for me.

So what could I do?

My mum gave me a gentle push.

I realised I couldn’t PHYSICALLY be an actor, if I could barely MOVE.

I saught out a dietician through my GP.

I found a local eating disorder charity who linked me with a counsellor and a mentor.

When NOBODY else would HELP me, I had to HELP myself.

Building your own support network is VITAL.

The people who understand if it takes you 3 hours to finish eating a meal.

Or that you panic around certain foods.

The people that understand.

But also gently PUSH you.

This week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week and in aid of that BEAT (an eating disorder charity) is raising money to provide vital support for those in need.

Mental health is

massively underfunded and

OVERSTRETCHED

and so many people are turned away for help because they are not at a ‘critical weight’ or for whatever any reason (including ‘you love food’ LOL)

Lucy has set up a Just Giving page encouraging you to WEAR A PAIR OF COLOURFUL SOCKS this week to show your support for those suffering with eating disorders and to help BEAT support those in need.

Have a look at the website and consider donating ❤️

I’m gonna be wearing my COLOURFUL SOCKS today, pulled up HIGH

and if people think…..

‘THAT GIRL IS CRAZY!’

Who cares?

I suffer with mental health.

And I have suffered with mental health.

It does not make me crazy.

It makes you STRONG.

It makes you COURAGEOUS.

And please TRY and remember…

Your worth is not measured by your weight. 

Your GOOD DEEDS are not measured by your weight

Your HAPPINESS is not measured by your weight. 

How much people LOVE you is not measured by your WEIGHT. 

How much I LOVE my FRIENDS and FAMILY (and my soul sister) is not measured by my WEIGHT.

Dump your scales.

Build up your support network!

And live your LIFE ❤️

I am wearing my COLOURFUL SOCKS today for Lucy.

Wear your COLOURFUL SOCKS with pride.

Much love,

Joy xx