I don’t want to be an actor.

I’m not going to use a joke to balance out this statement.

I have quit acting.

Last week I had the conversation with my agent.

I told them I did not want to act anymore.

And it ended with warmth and good feeling.

And I am truly grateful for that,

To close friends and family, this will not be a surprise.

It’s been something I’ve been talking about and ruminating since January.

And privately, longer.

I used to jokingly say to an ex boyfriend,

‘Oh I should just quit acting and become a housewife’

And for the past year and a bit, I’ve kept jokingly testing the waters, saying ‘I should quit acting’.

What made me suddenly realize that the joke was my reality?

Earlier this year, I went and saw Equus with my friend Laura.

3 years ago, I was performing as Jill Mason in a production of Equus in my final year of drama school.

I wil say, irrefutably, that it was the best production I’ve ever been in.

Jill Mason was sunshine. She was pure. Damaged but pure.

She came on stage bathed in golden light and laughed, bounced and brought JOY onto the stage.

She was the glimmering light in the dark of the play.

When my friend Laura invited me to go see the professional production of Equus, I was apprehensive.

I was anxious.

My depression came back to me BIG TIME last year and my mental health reached an all time low.

An ‘unable to leave the house without having a panic attack or string words together without stuttering or crying’ LOW.

An ‘I don’t want to live anymore’ low.

I hadn’t been able to face acting.

I’d done a few auditions and put on the light in my head and tried to enjoy them.

But at the beginning of the year I asked my agent for a break, to get better.

And they were very supportive.

I hadn’t been to the theatre in months.

My first love.

I was inspired by the production. I was shook. I stood up from my seat and clapped loudly looking each actor in the eye and whooping.

I could not have done that before.

I dreaded looking other actors in the eye or explaining myself to them.

And that night, watching the masterpiece unfold on stage, a final key turned inside of me.

I did not want to do what they were doing on that stage.

I didn’t want to be an actor anymore.

I did not want to play a role anymore.

The greatest role I have ever played is MYSELF.

Yes, I appreciate that sounds dramatic (what an actor) but it is true.

I have hidden myself in the parts I have played for years.

Since I was a little girl, it was an easy escape for me.

When I was bullied so badly at school and then came home to my parent’s divorce and other personal family matters, acting was my escape.

I could be happy.

I could be brave.

I could be loud.

I could be everything I wished I was up on that stage.

I could express all the rage, sadness, fear that I didn’t have the capacity to express as myself.

I was liked.

I was applauded.

Other kids spoke to me.

I was accepted.

In that moment, on the stage, in the spotlight, I was normal.

It was what became my shining light.

When life was overwhelming, acting was my escape.

When the anorexia nearly killed me, acting was my motivation to get better.

Get better for drama school.

And so I gained the weight.

Moved to London.

And got into drama school.

Following with me to drama school came the eating disorder, anxiety, depression, neuroses and unresolved issues.

In all honesty, I wasn’t strong enough to be in drama school training.

I had zero sense of self.

I survived on under 1200 calories a day and over exercised.

I thought all my peers hated me and was a neurotic and anxious person to be around.

In drama school, everything I did was wrong. Or rather could be improved. Which is why you go to drama school.

It’s how you build as an actor, but everything felt like a personal attack against me. Which it wasn’t.

In my first year, I was failed every term and had to retake each examination.

They knew I could do better and were pushing me harder, but I was so vulnerable that it started to destroy the place I felt safe in.

I was so afraid, past traumas being relived, that I withdrew, became argumentative and got angry with other people.

I can put my hands up to that.

Acting became an unsafe place.

I wasn’t recovered enough from my past trauma, to train as an actor.

I left drama school with a relapsed eating disorder and zero self esteem.

My time as an actor although containing moments of joy and discovery also contained massive parts of anxiety, self doubt and self hatred. Comparison was killing.

At the end of last year, when my depression relapsed, I had to face what wasn’t making me happy.

It meant I had to re-evaluate a lot of my life.

I had to face the stark reality of everything that had brought me to that point.

And one of those things was ACTING.

Acting didn’t make me happy.

And the lifestyle of being an actor is not how I wanted to spend the rest of my life.

The inconsistency.

The instability.

The cancelling on friends, family and important life events.

Going from an acting job back to a mind numbing day job.

Having trained hard for 3 years, having to work multiple entry level jobs where I wasn’t treated like a human.

Never having enough money.

Putting more money into acting than you receive.

Constantly going to auditions and workshops with very little reward.

Getting down to the final two and being told no because of something very small like hair colour or age.

Having to cancel plans on those I love because of a last minute audition.

And in all honesty, the last two acting jobs I had done, I finished feeling confused.

I hadn’t enjoyed doing them.

I rang my mum and told her what I had realized.

She said,

But Joy, are you sure?

You’re an actor. You love acting. You’ve always been an actor.

And that was the truth of it.

It was all I had ever known.

I had been acting since I was four years old.

Mugged off all other hobbies to focus on acting.

I am forever thankful that my agent and every person I have worked with or auditioned for in the industry has been lovely, open and supportive.

I have done some amazing work.

Work that I am very proud of.

Performed on the Globe stage and in the Sam Wanamaker Playhouse.

My first job out of drama school was a DREAM JOB. In ‘Sweet Bird of Youth’ by Tennessee Williams (one of my favourite playwrights) directed by Jonathan Kent. Working with Marcia Gay Harden (the beautiful and kind, Oscar winner) and so many amazing people in that cast.

Filmed a commercial. Was in a feature film with a director I really admire, working with actors and comedians, I really admire.

I’m not leaving this industry bitter about the concept of ‘acting’ itself.

I still love ‘acting’.

I have quit acting because I choose happiness.

I choose the stability I have never had.

I choose creative freedom in myself.

I choose full frontal honesty.

I choose MYSELF.

It felt like a breakup at first because I didn’t know what my identity was outside of being an actor.

I felt like I was letting down little girl Joy who dreamed of being an actor.

But I haven’t let her down.

My anorexia is recovered.

My depression is managed.

And I am the happiest, healthiest and most stable I have ever been in my entire life.

I have hid in acting.

I have hid in parts.

I have hid my trauma.

I have hid my past.

I have hid behind a fake smile and a silly joke.

And now I would like to play the role of me for a while.

To anyone considering quitting acting or even changing their careers, I pass on these words…

It is not ‘quitting’ to change your path.

Don’t do what you feel pressured or obliged to do.

Don’t be afraid of change.

Don’t feel like you are quitting or letting anyone down.

Because you are not.

Choosing happiness.

Choosing stability.

Choosing creativity.

Choosing money.

Whatever it is… there is BRAVERY in that choice.

We have but one life and continuing in a career that makes you unhappy or you are suffering in, is a miserable existence.

Listen to your instinct. Talk about it with friends, family and loved ones.

Don’t ignore your inner voice.

There is no shame in changing your career.

I am currently working in an autistic school with regular hours and I’m really enjoying it.

I have time to cook, enjoy fitness and strength training, long walks and travelling.

I enjoy ‘nothing-to-do’ days in my pyjamas laughing, loving and writing.

Stability has never been so sexy.

I am planning on going back to university and retraining in a new profession.

I have some ideas and it’s exciting that I have choices ahead of me.

I have some time to catch up on.

I missed a large part of my teenage years in eating disorder clinics.

I’ve got some exploring to do.

Exploring the world.

Exploring myself.

Exploring what I want to do with the rest of my life.

Who I am as ME.

Because you know what….

I finally rather like me.

And that’s exactly why I quit acting.