Whether we like to admit it or not,

We all have a type.

Tall, dark and handsome….

Guys with broad shoulders and big arms…

Hairy men….

Curvy women….

Blondes with blue eyes….

My type for a while was very specific…

Men who would never and could never love me back.

Let me start by trying to explain the psychology behind attraction.

On an animal level, we naturally go towards people who seem more fertile whether that be an hourglass figure, a nurturing feel or broad shoulders (messed up and confusing, I know).

And according to research, we are attracted to partners that resemble us, whether in looks, intelligence, height or humour. That also directly correlates with similar genetic markers (WOAH CRAZY RIGHT?!).

We also whether we like it or not, are attracted to people who have similarities to our parents. They are the first gendered humans we see, so whether it is personality, looks, temperament, we unconsciously are attracted to people that have similarities to them.

We also are attracted to people who release the same predominate chemical as us. People with dopamine dominant personalities (curious, creative, adventurous times) go towards other dopamine dominant people. Serotonin dominant (traditional, conscientious and rule-following) go towards serotonin dominant people. Testosterone dominant to testosterone dominant. And so it continues.

But how does this explain why some women (including myself) have fallen for ‘bad boys’?

Some psychotherapists state that the ‘bad boy’ or ‘partner that doesn’t care about us’ represents important sides of ourselves that we have neglected, disowned or repressed in our lives. In fact what we need to doing is healing, treating and accepting those rather than treating and helping someone unattainable.

It can often be a viscous cycle, you like them and fall in love with them because you hate yourself. And if they did eventually love you, you’d reject them for it.

So before I talk about ways of avoiding this cycle of torment, let me talk about my own personal experience.

I’m not pointing fingers in this and accusing people of being hateful or malicious.

Far from it, because in each scenario, that person had psychological issues to get over themselves (as well as me) and I hated myself so saw redemption in helping them.

If that person or persons, had loved or cared for me the same, I’m not sure how I would have felt.

The chase, the all consuming heart ache, made the chase and the winning of the chase more appetizing.

Basically in simpler words, I fell in love with a person and continued to be in a relationship with a person who would not call me their girlfriend,

Who didn’t want to meet my friends,

Who didn’t want pictures of us online in case it was another failed relationship,

Who changed their mind about me constantly finding every reason not to be with me,

And I wouldn’t see that this was a problem.

That I was worthy of actually being loved.

I wouldn’t see that it was never going to work.

Even though my friends would constantly pick me up off the floor, wipe my tears and tell me to leave.

No matter how kind to their friends and family and how funny that person was, they had their own issues that no matter how much I gave and helped, would not work out within our relationship. They had do it alone.

And every moment of pure happiness, where it seemed like they loved me and we laughed and bared our souls felt SO HAPPY. There were good times. And those good times felt so good.

Because it felt like the next bad time, the next blip when they would change their mind about me and tell me every reason they couldn’t be with me, was so far away.

I didn’t listen to the warnings they gave me when they first started seeing me, saying they weren’t ready for a relationship.

I thought I had all the answers and every thing I did for them, would eventually make them change their mind about me and fall in love.

I though if I changed aspects of myself, then they would want to be with me.

I ultimately saw the problem was ME.

That they couldn’t love me because I wasn’t beautiful enough, good enough and would never be enough for them.

The bullies were right when I was a kid. I would never be loved.

I would silence any problems I was having including my depression rearing it’s ugly head in fear that they would think I was crazy and have another reason not to be me with me.

I went on holiday with them and silently cried as Bon Iver’s ‘I can’t make you love me’ played on the car’s stereo.

So in the end when they turned round and said,

‘I’m not falling in love with you. I don’t miss you when you’re not here. I don’t get butterflies in my stomach when I see you.’

It broke me.

It broke me because I hated myself so much.

I couldn’t love myself and neither could they.

My self esteem had an almighty trashing and I continued to date people who weren’t good for me.

Who had issues of their own and weren’t interested in having me in their life other than for sexual reasons.

I am in no way blaming these people.

They had good traits and I hope each of them is happy and learning to love themselves too.

However, it mean’t my self esteem continued to take a beating.

I am not blameless in this. I was very closed because I was frightened that if I revealed my whole true self, they would leave. I did stupid, reckless, dangerous things within the relationship to test whether they actually cared.

I was continuously looking out for partners who couldn’t love me back, so that I could look after them, help them heal and love them LIKE I COULDN’T DO TO MYSELF.

So…… HOW DO YOU AVOID TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS?

By taking time away from dating, from relationships.

To sit with yourself and question what you are looking for in these toxic relationships.

What are the things that you could find and heal within a relationship with YOURSELF?

Is the love that is missing towards yourself?

Consult your past experiences. Were you bullied, have you got a past trauma from a past experience, do you have an unresolved and difficult relationship with a parent?

How can you move on from this and give yourself the LOVE you deserve?

You do not need to be WHOLE to fall in love.

All of us are constantly figuring ourselves out.

However until you start to realize that you are worthy of love, worthy of respect, worthy of care and kindness and that you can give those things to YOURSELF, it will be difficult to avoid toxic relationships.

Engage in therapy.

Purchase the book ‘Women who love too much’ (also applicable for men. It’s a great read. Very helpful but very hard to read).

Take yourself out on dates.

Treat yourself like your own soul mate.

Until you figure out the toxic relationship with yourself, it is very hard to avoid toxic relationships.

It’s sickenly annoying but true, but how can you love somebody else if you cannot love yourself.

Much love to you all,

And more love because you deserve it,

Joy xx