If you’re expecting a blog post in which I give you tips on how to bag yourself a new partner.

Then sorry sweethearts, you’ve come to the wrong place.

When I say ‘deal’ with being single…

I mean learn to live with it, love it and not have existential crisis’s about whether you’re going to be eaten to death at the age of 92 by your 27 rescued naked mole rats.

Being single is not a bad thing.

As much as fiction and caricatures like to tell us, being single is a time to devote time to ourselves.

And also fall in love with ourselves.

The great late Maya Angelou (god rest her soul) once said…

How can you love someone if you don’t love yourself?

My question is…..

How the hell are you supposed to begin to LOVE yourself?

I remember years ago when I was very anorexic a dietitian once said to me that…

‘The love of a good man can cure any anorexic’

Let me tell you…. this is categorically NOT TRUE.

(Also v poor and inappropriate advise from a medical professional.)

I was fortunate enough to be in a loving, supportive relationship for four years with someone who I classified as not only my partner but my best friend.

Unfortunately for him, I was still very ill.

Depression and eating disorders still riddled my life.

If I wasn’t relapsing from anorexia, I was swinging back to orthorexia.

Counting calories obsessively, over exercising and occasionally throwing up food.

Or drinking too much to drown all the dark thoughts swirling round my head.

It was part of what destroyed the relationship.

This relationship ending has been one of the most difficult things to move on from in my life.

However without this relationship ending, I don’t think I would be where I am today.

Recovered from eating disorders. Moving forward from my past. With the friends I have now. And changing the way my future maps out.

I am a single woman in her late twenties.

And I’m quite happy (for the most part) to be single.

I can focus on myself.

And on my friends.

Focus on my hobbies.

Focus on my future goals.

Swanny off out of London whenever I want.

Have unbound alone time.

(and I love alone time. No sarcasm at all).

But there are obviously down points to being single.

Cue to me in my therapists office last week.

I mention to her that I had been feeling unduly anxious of late.

And that I was craving something but I wasn’t sure what it was.

That I had been having dreams of past significant others.

And I couldn’t stop my thoughts racing.

She asked me directly if I could think of anything significant that I wanted in my life.

Anything that I was missing?

I didn’t even think, the words slipped out of my mouth…

INTIMACY.

Not sexual intimacy.

But the actual physical connection you can have whenever you want when you’re in a relationship. Holding hands. Hugs. Big embraces. Spooning in bed.

Full frontal INTIMACY.

I am a tactile person who likes hugs. To be touched. And currently I get two hugs a week.

Jesus, JOY! What a sob story for the ages. This will be passed down to future generations.

I set myself the mission last year after a horrible, heart breaking break up of remaining single to focus on my recovery. Focus on myself. And learn to love myself.

Now my friends will and do rib me about this but trying to remain single is something that I’m not good at doing.

Whoops.

Which does make me sound like I trip over and fall into dating.

But that is kind of what happens.

I am very easily swayed by romance and the promise of love.

And also the other kind of intimacy… if you catch my drift.

So this blog post is a lesson for me as much as it is for any of you, dear readers.

First off let’s look at the psychological impact of being single.

Which really does have a lot of positives.

Your mind is uncluttered. Relationships without any conscious choosing takes up a lot of space in our heads. There’s less capacity for individually focused thought.

Susan Winter, relationship expert and bestselling author says,

‘Being single is an act of purging the clutter and making room for new thoughts (and dreams) to breathe and grow.’

You are also more open to possibility. You can chase any of your ambitions, say yes to new opportunities. Research has shown that you are more likely to take risks and have adventures if you are single.

You have more time to be in touch with you. Your own needs. Being independent. Focussing on personal development and self care. You become more self aware.

And financially, I always find being single saves me money.

For a lot of people you end up in relationships that last for decades with kids to tow.

So actually there should be some relishing and savouring of being single. Mmmmm tasty.

And this is how you ‘deal’ with being single.

By taking this as time for YOU.

Focus on where you want your life to lead.

Focussing on taking care of yourself.

Saving up money for whatever you want to do.

Making new friends.

Doing new hobbies.

THIS IS YOUR TIME.

The only person you are responsible for is YOU.

Take care of yourself.

Love yourself.

Romance the shit out of yourself (like you would a partner)

This is your time.

Relish it.

Roll around in it like a bunch of big fluffy pillows.

Three things I will say that do help ‘deal’ with being single are –

Mindfullness

Mindfullness helps you sort through thought which are helpful and unhelpful.

With practise, the unhelpful thoughts can roll by without being absorbed.

For example, ‘You will die alone with 13 cats’

Not helpful.

With mindfulness, this can pass by like a leaf on water.

The more you can engage with mindfulness, the more aware of your thoughts you are which helps you grow as a person.

Leaving the past and negative thoughts behind you.

Masturbation

Invest in this. Time and money.

Knowing YOURSELF sexually is an amazing thing.

What your turn on’s are. Your erogenous zones. How you like to cum.

This isn’t some sort of stepping block to finding a partner.

This is something that will keep you happy and satiated for the rest of your life.

And when a partner comes along (no pun intended), it is extremely helpful when you enter into a sexual relationship to already know what turns you on.

(inti)Macy

Sorry I wanted to carry on the M theme.

Hug your friends. Hug yourself.Snuggle on the sofa with your mates.

Hold hands with your pals.

Snuggle up in your duvet at night. Make a hot water bottle.

There are other forms of intimacy outside of a relationship.

Intimacy also includes being intimate with yourself.

Take yourself on a date.

Get a masage (if you can afford it).

Romance the HELL out of yourself.

BONUS ROUND: Therapy

I hand on heart believe that therapy is for EVERYONE.

We work on our bodies with fitness, so we also need to work on our minds with therapy.

We all have stuff that we can work on.

For many of us when we are dating we get stuck in a pattern which ultimately leads to failure or heartbreak.

How can we break this pattern without going to therapy?

How can we even begin to love ourselves and accept ourselves without going to therapy?

We can’t.

I heartily encourage you engage in therapy.

For yourself.

Grab yourself by the hand.

Romance yourself.

Seduce yourself.

Embrace and enjoy being single.

On a final note, listen to this song.

On repeat.

Whenever you need it.

Much love,

Joy xx