‘Shame! Shame! Shame!’

And NO, I’m not referring to the Shame Nun in Game of Thrones.

(Although sometimes it CAN feel like that.)

This whole post has been a struggle to write because instead of focussing, my BRAIN is SCREAMING at me.

Today my head woke up MESSY. 

My thoughts racing A MILLION MILES AN HOUR.

My anxiety on HIGH.

Flashing images of my PAST and things that bring me PAIN and SHAME.

So today on my blog, I’m going to be talking about being a ‘MESS’ and how to live with SHAME.

I have intrusive thoughts.

I can be mid conversation with someone, or walking down the street, watching TV, lying in bed or ANYWHERE and …

SUDDENLY…

My mind will start FLASHING memories.

Painful memories.

Painful images of my past.

Thoughts.

Words.

Faces.

Things that MAY or MAY NOT have HAPPENED.

A lot of my panic attacks stem from these INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS.

My face will flinch. I can feel my stomach turn. My heart starts to race.

And the MESSINESS starts.

We can all experience SHAME, at one point or another.

Whether it be ….

‘You shouldn’t have had that THIRD drink’

‘How could you have eaten that?’

‘You’re so much FATTER than your best friend.’

‘You’re such a WHORE for sleeping with (insert name)’

‘You shouldn’t have told him THAT.’

THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS.

Shame touches EVERYTHING.

A lot of people have SHAME HANGOVERS.

I know I have.

Where you wake up from a night of HEAVY DRINKING, and you are filled with ANXIETY. Your head tearing apart every MEMORY of the night before. Everything you SAID. Everything you DID. Every ENCOUNTER you had.

If you’ve ever watched ‘Big Mouth’ on Netflix, a fantastic comedy cartoon about being a teenager, they touch this subject with…. THE SHAME WIZARD.

A wizard that visits the children, SHAMING them with all their DARKEST PROBLEMS AND THOUGHTS.

This January, I made the ACTIVE CHOICE to quit DRINKING.

I have always had HEAVY BAGS full of SHAME on my shoulders. Made worse by having anorexia for such a long time. (Anorexia is not a kind friend).

The voice I hear in my head, when I’m by myself, DOES NOT LIKE ME.

It calls me A MESS….. ALL…..THE….TIME.

This December, in an effort to escape the constant INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS and SHAME, I decided…..

‘TIS THE SEASON TO BE DRINKING. (fa la la la la la la la LA)’

And started drinking a lot more.

For a few hours, there would be QUIET. My head would be SILENT.

I would go from complete FEAR and SILENCE to……. LAUGHING and BEING ABLE TO TALK.

Then….. the SHAME would come.

It came to a HEAD when one night, I woke up at 2 in the morning HYPERVENTILATING and CRYING.

I couldn’t stop.

The more I tried to stop it, the louder the THOUGHTS and the louder the SOBS. I was becoming more and more manic.

My mum heard me, and came into my room.

As she was holding me and trying to calm me down all I could do was BEG FOR FORGIVENESS.

I kept saying SORRY, SORRY, SORRY, SORRY.

I knew that I needed to quit DRINKING.

I am not an alcoholic.

However I know that RECOVERY and MENTAL HEALTH can not be improved with ALCOHOL.

I need to fight the DEMON head on.

I might well drink again in future. But RIGHT NOW it is not helping.

Over the past year I have dealt with my INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS in BAD WAYS.

Overworking. Keeping overly busy. Drinking heavily on weekends. Distracting myself ALL THE TIME.

And alcohol is a DEPRESSANT. That’s not an opinion. That is a SOBERING, SCIENTIFIC, STONE COLD FACT.

Although this means that right now I have no escape from the MESS in my head….. No escape from the SHAME….

I have to DEAL WITH MY PROBLEMS head on.

When I woke up this morning with MY MESS HEAD on….. I made a bowl of something that my body needed. Ginger, turmeric and maca porridge with cinnamon stewed apples, blueberries and cashew butter. It was what my body NEEDED.

It wasn’t particularly pretty, in fact, IT WAS A MESS when I stirred it all together. Which made me realise I needed to be OPEN about this.

The questions I want to ask you today are….

HOW OFTEN HAVE YOU FELT LIKE A MESS?

HOW OFTEN HAS YOUR SHAME DOMINATED YOUR LIFE?

HOW OFTEN HAVE YOU BEEN HELD BACK BY SHAME?

I really DO NOT have all the answers because I am trying to figure it out myself.

However, a lot of ANXIETY and PANIC ATTACKS are born of THINGS THAT WE CANNOT ACCEPT.

For example, I could say..

‘I HATE MY FRECKLES. THEY NEED TO REMOVE THEMSELVES FROM MY FACE.’

Can I change my freckles? Can I remove the freckles from my face? Can I stop my freckles existing?

NO ….. I CAN’T.

So what can I do?

I can ACCEPT them. Or try to.

Instead of fighting our PASTS, what we have EXPERIENCED, what we have DONE, what we HATE about ourselves….. we have to try and start accepting and FORGIVING.

I cannot change my HISTORY. I cannot change my PAST. I cannot change my MESS.

But I can learn to start accepting who I am, acknowledge what has happened and move forward from it and learn to LOVE MY MESS.

I really encourage you try to start practicing MINDFULNESS. HEADSPACE is a great app with 10 minute long sessions teaching you mindfulness. Instead of FIGHTING thoughts, it teaches you to ACCEPT and ACKNOWLEDGE they are there, then move on.

In the midst of intrusive thoughts, I spray some fragrance and FOCUS on the SMELL. I also ring or find a FRIEND or LOVED ONE and ask them to talk about THEIR DAY or SOMETHING SILLY, so I can FOCUS in on their WORDS and their VOICE, rather than what is going in on my head.

I also encourage you to download a SILLY GAME like Candy Crush or Wordscapes or Suduko. Focusing in on doing this seemingly meaningless game, keeps your MIND and ATTENTION on that rather than being SWALLOWED by the SHAME SPIRAL.

I’m going to leave you today with these final thoughts.

Although at times it may seem like you are the only person who is a MESS, or who is finding life DIFFICULT, or who is STRUGGLING or who is ‘CRAZY’.

YOU ARE NOT.

Every single person is fighting their own private battle.

It takes HONESTY and BRAVERY to fight your battles HEAD ON.

We are all doing that each day.

Try and find a moment TODAY to make yourself your FAVOURITE HOT DRINK or SPEAK TO SOMEONE YOU LOVE. Focus in on your senses, smelling and tasting the hot drink. Focusing on your loved ones voice.

Give yourself a HUG and tell yourself ‘I WILL START TO LEARN TO LOVE YOU AND ACCEPT YOU’

I know that sounds silly. And you’re probably pulling a face. (I know I am!)

But shall we promise each other we’ll give it a go?

Much love,

Joy xxx